


Who Cares?

by Wolvesta



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 3x05 Rage, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, First Kiss, Getting Together, It's Hard and Nobody Understands, M/M, Realization, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Understanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2020-12-28 05:09:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21131177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolvesta/pseuds/Wolvesta
Summary: Buck saves himself from a ledge by helping someone else off the ledge





	1. I Do

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this while brushing my teeth and this helps me through the most recent episode.

“Buck?” Hen asks as Chim and her turn the corner 

“Yea especially him.” Chim says as he looks for the next ingredient on the list. 

“No Buck.” Hen says as she points out the man down the aisle. Buck looks to the side and is shocked to see his team-former teammates gathering around the end of the aisle. He isn’t expecting to see anyone he knows here. Especially not Eddie nor Bobby. Buck feels his heart rate picking up as he sees Eddie staring holes into him. 

“What are you doing here?” asks Bobby not wasting time. 

“Me?...um I’m just here to go some grocery shopping,” says Buck in a nervous voice. 

“8 miles from your apartment?” asks Chim in a doubtful voice. 

“Um...yea this is the only place that has what I’m looking for,” Buck says beginning to take a step back. 

“What are you looking for?” asks Eddie crossing him arms over his chest. Buck sighs, he’s not getting out of this one. 

“This is the only store that has an international snack aisle and I’m here on a snack run for a friend.” Buck pulls his shopping basket up and pulls out some items. 

“This is the only place that has Flamin' Hot Dill Pickle Chips, Shrimp Flavored Crackers, and Sloppy Joe flavored chips. Which is disgusting and I don't know why they would want these things" Buck says as he tosses the items back in the basket. He puts the basket on the floor and begins tossing more items in the basket. 

It wasn’t long until someone says something and that person is Eddie. 

“Do you know how much Christopher misses you? God how could you be so selfish and exhausting? You didn’t think how this would affect my son. Or any of us? You had an accident and you can’t go back to work right away. Get over it! Stop being so selfish for once!” Eddie screams at Buck, meanwhile the rest of the team backs away. Buck takes it all and never says anything. 

“Christopher misses you so much! He needed you, I couldn’t contact you to help me help him, I couldn’t reach out to you when I needed to be bailed out of jail!” 

“Wait-what? Jail?” Buck asks finally speaking up. Eddie is about to say something when they hear a commotion outside. 

{~} {~} 

There’s a woman on the roof of the building next door to the store. She wants to jump. Bobby orders his team to bring the fire truck around and extend the ladder. They call in a specialist in order to get the woman from off of the roof without hurting herself, but they’re taking too long. 

“Mam, what’s your name?” asks Bobby into the megaphone. 

“It doesn’t matter. I’m going to jump, and no one can stop me.” says the woman as she steps over the safety railings. Bobby puts the megaphone down and tells the team to ready the mega air bag to catch the woman. 

“Why do you want to jump?” asks a voice that has the team and onlookers looking to the source. Buck has the megaphone in his hand. 

“You don’t understand! You would never understand!” screams the woman. 

“Then help me understand. Why do you feel this way?” asks Buck in a calm voice. 

“I’ve lost everything. I lost my family, my best friend and my job. I’ve been sober and clean for over 10 years. But my pathetic self-had to go to a party with a guy who I thought loved me. I woke up and I was hungover with a needle in my arm. I didn’t need to be smart to know what I did! My family doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore! I lost my job as an accountant! I’ve-I've lost everything...do you know what that’s like?!” screams the woman from the ledge. She takes a step closer to the edge. “Do you know what it’s like to know that the people who were supposed to have your back abandoned you the second you screwed up and sent you to the curb by yourself?!” 

“Yes” buck says with confidence. It shocks the team who are unable to tear their eyes away from the scene. 

“I know what it’s like to have no one there for you, but they are there for you at the same time, but you can’t talk to them because you know they would never understand. They would tell you to get over it, to stop feeling sorry for yourself, but they don’t see your side of the story. I get it.” Buck says as he begins moving to the fire truck. He begins to climb the ladder and make his way to the roof. 

“Don’t!” says the woman as she takes another step forward. Buck puts his hands up and takes a step back. The woman has tears streaming down her face as she breathes deeply. She sniffles and asks: 

“What happened to you?” 

“A lot of things...and I don’t like thinking about them sometimes.” 

“Why?” 

“If I think about them, then I know I’ll spiral and land in a place I can’t come out of. And no matter how much it hurts, I can’t drive off the edge.” 

“What happened to you?” the woman asks again. Buck sees there’s no getting out of this one. He grabs the megaphone from where it fell. 

“I got in a bad accident and I couldn’t work because of it. I tried my best to get back to where I was. I gave it my all and then some but I still failed. I couldn’t return to my job...and it made me feel so alone. Yes, I have a sister and friends that I could have talked to. But they would never understand how alone I felt. How the darkness and madness and loneliness would constantly push me to an edge that I wanted to jump off of. You want to reach out and just get someone to understand how your feelings, but no matter what you say, nothing works.” 

“At least you have someone to talk too.” says the woman as she faces Buck. Red hair glistening in the sunlight. 

“I do, but I didn’t talk to her because I didn’t want to burden her. My sister has a job and she has someone that loves her very much. She has someone to go home to. Everyone I know has a kid, husbands or wives that they can go home to. I know what it’s like to go home to nothing. It’s lonely isn’t it?” 

I understand how it is to constantly try to prove yourself that your good enough to exist in the same place as them, but every obstacle you conquer, there’s another one that comes up. I try and fight my way back to where I belong but it’s not good enough. ” Buck says as he begins to shed some tears and climbs up the ladder.

“How are you still alive if you’ve been through all of that? Isn’t it easier to just end it all?” the woman asks holding her head up and letting out a soft sob. 

“Maybe it is, and I know that it seems like it’s the solution to everything that you’re going through. I know that feeling. I know that feeling of freedom for one beautiful second, but then reality kicks back in and you’re stuck at the edge and all you want to do is jump in and never come out. I know I'm hurting deep down but I can't show it. No one calls my phone asking how I've been, where I'm at or what's on my mind. There are days that the dark thoughts take over and tell myself I’m not good enough to be alive and there are some days where I do want to die, but I can’t end it all.” 

“Why not?” 

“Honestly...it’s cause I’m afraid. I mean I tried to last night but I couldn’t do it. Some days I want nothing more than to swallow so many pills and never wake up, to drink myself into a coma or to slash my fuckin wrists open just to stop fighting. But I can’t...I’m too afraid. Besides living is harder than dying, and I’ve never been afraid of a challenge. So come on and let’s face this together”. Buck says with a note of finality. The woman looks at Buck and sees that he’s right behind her. He extends his hand towards her. 

She takes it 

{~} {~} 

Buck is lying in his bed later that night. 

He stares at the ceiling, the familiar thoughts sinking into his mind. 

_ Does no one want me around? _

A knock at his door pulls him out of his thoughts. He ignores it at first but it gets more and more aggressive and frantic. He yells to the person on the other side that he’s coming. He throws open the door and is met with the feelings of arms around him. 

“Eddie?” Buck asks not believing this is real. Buck is able to pry Eddie off of him enough to looks him in the eyes. He gasps as he sees tears in them. 

“What’s wrong? Is it Christopher?” Buck asks in a panic. Eddie gives him an eye dip and lets out a sad laugh. 

“No it’s not him” Eddie says as he pulls Buck closer to him. Eddie fists Buck’s black shirt, inhaling his scent and never wanting to let go. 

“Then what is it?” Buck asks confused as he brings his own arms to wrap around Eddie. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I was such a bad friend, I never considered your feelings during all this time” So that’s what this is about. 

“No Eddie you were right. I do need to get over it and I was being selfish. I’m sorry I put Christopher through all of this.” Buck says as he pulls away from Eddie. 

“That doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid Evan” Buck shivers as he hears his first name. 

"Who cares?" asks Buck in a broken voice.

“I do. I’m afraid that so many things can hurt you. But I never should have let one of them be me. I’ll be right by your side no matter what from now on. Just please stay with us.” Eddie says as he lays his head on Buck’s shoulders. Buck says nothing as a tear escapes his eye. Another one and another one. 

Eddie pulls back when he feels Buck shaking and sees that he is full on sobbing at this point. Eddie pulls Buck to his couch to sit him down and lets him cry it out. Eddie simply lays his head on Buck’s shoulder and holds him through. 

“I’m sorry...no one has ever wanted me to stay before. Not used to hearing that.” Buck says as Eddie wipes his tears away. Buck leans into his touch and brings his hands to rest on Eddie’s. 

“I’ve missed you...I’ve missed you so much.” 

“I’ve missed you too Evan. And it scares me that you couldn’t talk to me about these things, and it terrifies me even more that I could have lost you without you knowing how I feel.” 

“I know you feel mad at me and I don’t blame-” Buck is cut off when Eddie pushed his lips against his own. Eddie pulls away. 

“I’m not mad at you Evan. I’m just hurt because you’re hurting and so is Christopher. We can go see him tomorrow, but just for now, please don’t leave me.” Buck doesn’t respond, instead he presses his lips to Eddie in a confirmation: 

“I won’t...I promise I won’t leave you guys.” Buck says as he pulls Eddie up and leads him up to his bed. 

They get into the bed and Eddie presses a gentle kiss on Buck’s birthmark, one of his many favorite things about Buck. 

"The rest of the team is coming by tomorrow. They want to talk to you" Eddie whispers as he feels Buck's head against his chest.

"I don't think I can face them...plus they won't be happy to see me." Buck says in a small voice. 

"I told you I'll be right by your side no matter what. We can face it together." Eddie says running his fingers through Buck's hair and kissing his temple. 

"Ok...together..." Buck falls asleep to Eddie's heartbeat. 

They feel the calmness and safety throughout the night. 

* * *

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	2. We Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn’t planning on posting another chapter but here is one because of popular demand.

_He's at the 118 station, lounging on one of the couches with his phone in his hand. He's feeling good, really good in fact. Since he stopped the street fighting and has been going to a regular MMA gym, things have been looking good._

_Since that night too._

_He went to Buck's house and to make things short, Buck and Eddie are officially together. Speaking of Buck, he is supposed to be going home to him in about an hour._

_He bids farewell to the team and he drives to Buck 's apartment. They both agreed to have a night in without Christopher since he has the weekend with his abuela and his tía. Eddie beams as he sees Buck's apartment complex, he's getting butterflies in his stomach._

_Eddie opens the door with the key he has and begins rummaging through the kitchen fridge. He pulls out a Natural Light Strawberry Lemonade Beer bottle from the back and looking for Buck. Everything around him is dark but the bathroom light Is on. Eddie smiles slightly as he approaches the bathroom but is stopped when he sees there's a mixture of blood and water mixed on the floor. He enters, fearful of what he might find. He drops the bottle and it shatters on the ground when he pulls back the bathtub curtain._

_Buck is lying under the water with his wrists slashed and he arms tucked into his sides. To someone else, it looks like he just fell asleep in the bathtub, but Eddie can't move. He can't help him._

_He's frozen, but he does let out an anguished sob and scream._

{~} {~}

Eddie wakes up frantically in a bed, he looks around him and sees that he is in someone's apartment. He freaks out knowing that it is Bucks. He freaks out when he turns to his right but the bed is empty. He lets out a sob when he realizes that it wasn't a dream, Buck is gone.

The one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with isn't here anymore.

He feels cold hands on his face, bringing him back to his reality, he hesitantly looks up and sees piercing blue eyes staring down at him.

"Evan?" Eddie asks hesitantly, hoping to whoever is listening that this isn't some cruel, terrible, panic-induced hallucination.

"Yea it's me. Whatever you dreamed about wasn't real" Eddie lets out a sad cry as he pulls Buck closer to him, taking comfort when he feels Buck's heartbeat against his forehead. He feels arms wrap around his shoulders and a hand being buried in his sweat-slicked hair.

"Let it out Ed, let it out." Eddie cries and cries and keeps crying until nothing but dry heaves are coming out. He feels Buck wiping the tears and snot off of his face with some tissues.

"Do you want to tell me what happened Ed?" asks Buck after he places a kiss on Eddie's forehead and continues carding his fingers through Eddie's hair in a soothing motion. Eddie tries to speak but only a wheeze comes out.

"Shh take a deep breath for me, Eddie. It's ok, just breathe. We don't need to talk about it right now. Just breathe for me." Buck says adjusting his hold Eddie so that he's lying on top of him while Buck is lying down. Eddie relaxes at the sound of Buck's heartbeat and the sight of clean unmarred forearms.

The images of them in the dream flash through his mind, and he tightens his hold on Buck. They lie there in the silence, but it's Eddie who breaks it first.

"I had a bad dream...but it felt real...so real...too fucking real" Eddie stutters as he explains what he saw. His fears personified and his guilt...coming back full force in the comfort of sleep. Haunting and taunting him about how powerless he is when it comes to his Evan.

"I-I actually thought you were gone, and I couldn't do anything about it...god I was so useless, I just watched you in there, and I couldn't help you at all. I-I let you die" he feels Buck's hold tighten on him and a kiss being pushed into his messy hair.

"You didn't let me die. It wasn't real, I promise it wasn't real. I'm still here." Buck sits them both up, but Eddie can't look him in the eyes, afraid that he won't see anything is he does. Buck sense this and simply grabs Eddie's hand and flips his arms over.

"See? There's nothing there. I'm ok love. I'm ok, I'm still here." Eddie says nothing as he places kisses on the forearms. When he's done Buck places his hands on both sides of Eddie's face and places a soft gentle kiss to his lips. He pulls back, rubbing gentle circles on Eddie's cheeks. Eddie finally looks up and sees blue eyes full of love and concern.

"You're ok. I'm ok. We're both ok." Buck says as Eddie pulls him in for one last hug.

"Everyone is coming over soon. Let's go get ready for them."

{~} {~}

Eddie was able to get through the rest of the morning, but he isn't sure how he did it. He constantly kept looking up and Buck and feeling a sense of relief when he would see him sweeping or cleaning the kitchen counter. They cleaned the apartment to get ready for the team later.

Buck shared with Eddie how he wasn't feeling ready about the team coming over to see him.

Especially since he revealed so much about things he wanted to keep to himself.

"I didn't mean for those things to be revealed. I was hoping no one would find out." Buck says once they are having their coffee at the kitchen island after they thoroughly cleaned the apartment and opened the windows to let the warm breeze filter through. Eddie reaches across the island and grabs Buck's hand. Buck grabs back.

"We're you just going to keep them to yourself? That isn't healthy Evan."

"I know it wasn't healthy, it still isn't but it just felt easier than reaching out to someone. You all were so mad at me for the lawsuit, and I get why, but once it was dropped, I still felt worse and worse. It was building and I knew it was going to spill over sooner rather than later." Buck lets out a bitter laugh.

"Hell, last night...just before you came in...I-" Buck can't finish, he hates dealing with so many emotions in one sitting. Eddie's squeeze of the hand brings him back to reality and is able to ground him.

"Last night I was thinking of what the point of it all was if everything I've ever worked for never wanted me back in the first place. What was the point of fighting for everything is it wasn't worth it? I thought that since the only man I ever loved didn't want me why should I-" Buck's rant is cut off when he feels himself being pulled into a hug. His face is pressed against Eddie's chest and is secured by his arms around his body.

"Don't. Ever think that I will want you to leave. I never want you to leave me. Stay with me. Stay with me and Christopher and never leave. You don't need to feel all of these doubts, and if you do, I'll tell you over and over that the things you are thinking aren't true."

Buck simply sits there, being held by the one he never thought he could have.

{~} {~}

The day goes pretty fast, which only adds to the anxiety of Buck. He tries to steady his nerves, but he can't. Then he hears a knock at the door and he seems to freeze. He knows everyone is on the other side of the door. Eddie guides Buck to sit at the kitchen chairs and gives him a soft fast kiss. Eddie says he'll answer the door and just try to relax. He pushes a glass of water into his now empty hands.

{~} {~}

Well...this is...awkward to say the least. Everyone shuffles in and no one knows how to begin the conversation of making things right. Buck opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. Surprisingly it was Bobby who broke the silence.

"Buck, you have been reinstated to active duty for the 118. You'll be getting a call from the chief tomorrow. You'll be back at the 118 later this week where we can keep an eye on you." Bobby says at Buck and everyone expects Buck to jump up and cheer. To say thank you and they won't regret taking him back.

But he does none of that. All he does is sit there with wide eyes and with an expression that he's barely holding it together.

"Buck? You ok there man?" Chimney asks as he sees the expression on his face. Maddie and Eddie are instantly by his side.

"Y-yea I'm fine. A-are you serious right now?"

"Yes, Buck. I'm serious. I'd thought you are happy about this. You got your job back. Isn't that why you sued us in the first place?" Bobby asks, getting straight to the point. Buck really hoped that they would avoid this part.

"I dropped it."

"I know you did"

"I'm still having trouble figuring out why you would even sue us. We're your family Buck. And-and we missed you. I mean you choose your job over us man. I thought what we were was better than that. I thought we were a family Buckley." It hurts to hear Bobby say that to him. But he understands where he is coming from, but they don't understand where he's coming from, and he hopes that he can explain himself to them. Buck is about to explain himself when someone else spoke up.

"Cap at least give him a chance to explain himself. He gets and understands where you're coming from, now it's his turn to tell his side of the story." Eddie says as he takes Buck's hands that were behind him in support.

"Before you do, is it true?" Hen speaks up from behind Bobby and Chim.

"Is what true?"

"Everything you said to that woman when she was going to jump...was it true?" Hen asked hesitantly. Buck hesitantly nods yes.

"Yea it's all true..." Buck says as he feels his cheeks go red in shame and he lowers his head slightly, unable to look at anyone in the eye. He feels the hand of Eddie come up and rest comfortably on his side. He feels slightly better as Maddie squeezes his hand. She has a look of confusion, not knowing what the team is talking about.

"Buck...why didn't you tell us all this stuff was going on in your head?" asks Athena who was next to Bobby, having heard the story from Bobby. Concern etched in her features and Buck feels a sense of calm washing over him when he sees the emotions in her eyes. He knows that he could go to her.

"Would any of you have listened? Without telling me to get over it or suck it up? Would anyone of you have truly listened?" No one says anything to that but they didn't have to because there's a knock at the door. The door opens to reveal a woman with bleach blonde hair and a single blue strip sticking out at all ends (Riley Blue's hair from Sense8).

"Yes?" asks Hen opening the door.

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize Evan had company" before she could leave Buck called for her to come through. This mystery girl walks through the apartment and goes to Buck.

"What's up, dude? We missed you at karaoke last night. I told everyone that you had other stuff to do. Anyway, I'm here to grab the chips that you never gave me" After tossing her purse on the couch she rummages through his cabinets and finds the chips he bought for her yesterday.

"You're gross for liking that shit. Everyone this is my friend Rebecca Williams" everyone in the room notices that Buck has a relaxed smile on his face. Becca waves at everyone and introductions are made. Then she turns to Buck continuing the conversation.

"So this the team you were talking about? The one with the lawsuit?"

"Wait you told this random person about our case? Is there anyone else you told about us before you dropped this case" asks Bobby in disbelief.

"I'm not a random person Captain Nash, I'm Becca with the 99th station in Beverly Hills. Buck and I have known each other for almost 4 years. We met at school at the Southern Cali EMS Training Institute." she turns to Buck "I told you never to go through with the lawsuit. Still can't believe you dropped 7 million fuckin' dollars! Like holy shit that's more than we will ever make in our lifetime combined. I would have taken the money and ran off to Chicago"

"Why Chicago?"

"Cause that where they film Chicago PD and plus, I heard they have decent wheelchair accessible homes for Jayla. She misses you by the way. She misses her Uncle Buck's pancakes. Apparently, her dad keeps making them wrong"

"W-wait, you were offered money Buck? 7 million dollars?" Hen asks interrupting the conversation between Becca and Buck.

"Yea...before the...conversation at the store and the woman...I had gone to the lawyer's office and he said that the city was offering me 7 million dollars as settlement...I obviously didn't take it, It was never about the money, I just wanted to be back with you all. I couldn't take being so alone anymore".

"But Buck, you weren't alone, you had us" Chim says pointing to himself and the others in the room.

"I know I do but...ugh forget it," Buck says sitting back up in his seat. They don't get it, they'll never get it.

"No what is it Buck? We understand-" Chim gets cut off by Buck, finally standing up from his chair.

"No, you don't understand, you guys don't get it. Ever since I was crushed by that firetruck, everything that I need to be, the one...the ONE thing that I am-was good at was gone. Without the job I have nothing. And I know I have you guys but outside of working and our occasional gatherings, we never see each other...like at all. I used to think that you guys were my family...but all this time away from you made me realize...that we...at least me with you all...we're just friends...I saw you all as my family because I was so used to seeing you all the time...but now this is the first time that I been with all of you in one place that wasn't work..." Buck says as he finally, but silently lets the small tears that have been gathering in his eyes fall.

He covers his face and turns his face away from everyone. Eddie sits Buck back down in the chair while Becca refills the empty glass of water for him. She puts the glass of water in his hands and asks him to drink slowly, so as not to choke. They were all surprised to see how gentle Eddie was being with Buck considering what happened at the store yesterday.

They weren't expecting Eddie to give Buck a kiss on his forehead, whispering quiet things to him.

Becca and Maddie smile at them, something knowing passing in their eyes.

"Did we miss anything?"

{~} {~}

After explaining what happened the night before, the team was a mix of emotions. One thing they knew for sure was that they are grateful to whatever was out there that they still had their boy with them. Hen steadies herself and then approaches Buck who is still sitting on the chair and was able to be talked down from an anxiety attack by Eddie. Hen places her hands on Buck's shoulders. He looks up:

"I'm sorry Buck, we'll do better this time," Hen says as everyone gathers around Buck to hug him. They promise the same thing.

"We're sorry. We appreciate you more than you'll ever know, and we will spend every day proving it to you" says, someone. But Buck is so overwhelmed by all of the familiar support around him, he doesn't catch the owner of the voice.

He finally feels loved.

{~} {~}

"See that wasn't so bad" Eddie later says as they are settling into Eddie's bed. After everyone had left, Eddie drove Buck back to his house to see Christopher.

It was the first time Eddie saw Christopher smile brightly since the tsunami.

"I'm sorry I haven't been here for you buddy. I won't leave you again" Buck had said after he scooped Christopher up and gave him an overdue hug.

"I guess not..." Buck says quietly after a moment. Although it's dark in the room, Eddie can still hear the hesitation in his voice. Eddie frowns and places his hand on Buck's face, gently holding it and rubbing his thumb on his cheek.

"Evan, what's wrong _hermoso_? Talk to me" Eddie says as he feels Buck scoot closer to him and immediately finding comfort in his arms.

"Nothing...it's just that...I never thought I would be so loved before..." Buck says and Eddie can hear the small smile in his voice. Eddie tilts Buck's face so he is looking up and carefully kisses him. Buck can feel all the love being poured into this one single kiss and it almost takes his breath away.

"Never doubt it _mi vida_ never doubt it. I'll love you enough for the both of us until you're ready to love yourself again"

Buck drifts off in the arms of the person he loves while hearing a familiar soothing tune.

* * *

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